


Past tense

by boldlygowherenodoghasgonebefore



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 22:18:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13797501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boldlygowherenodoghasgonebefore/pseuds/boldlygowherenodoghasgonebefore
Summary: Sisko remembers the events of the episode Past Tense and their effects on Julian.





	Past tense

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Savorybreakfasts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Savorybreakfasts/gifts).



**_Captain’s personal log, stardate 51721.3:_ **

_“_ _It's only been two weeks... I need to talk about this. I have to justify what's happened... what I've done... at least to myself._ _I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men. I am an accessory to murder. But the most damning thing of all... I think I can live with it.  And if I had to do it all over again, I would.“_

It was true.   Millions of lives would be saved.  The Romulans had to be brought into the war.

_“That's why you came to me, isn't it, Captain? Because you knew I could do those things that you weren't capable of doing? Well, it worked. And you'll get what you want: a war between the Romulans and the Dominion. And if your conscience is bothering you, you should soothe it with the knowledge that you may have just saved the entire Alpha Quadrant. And all it cost was the life of one Romulan senator, one criminal, and the self-respect of one Starfleet officer. I don't know about you, but I'd call that a bargain.”_

He heard Garak’s voice, and he clung to it.   _It was true_ , he rationalized, _a bargain at that._       

And yet Julian Bashir's words came back to Sisko as he dictated, and then deleted, another log.  Julian and Sisko were trapped in the sanctuary districts of the 21st century, long before they’d ever encountered the dominion. 

_“It makes you wonder, doesn't it? Are humans really any different than Cardassians or Romulans? If push comes to shove, if something disastrous happens to the Federation, if we are frightened enough, or desperate enough, how would we react? Would we stay true to our ideals or would we just stay up here, right back where we started?”_

What would Julian think of him now?

\------------------------------------------------------------

Earth, 2024, Sanctuary District A

He and Julian walked through the rubble, getting a look around.  Buildings were crumbling on the outside, and families huddled by fires and barrels to keep warm.   

Julian was subdued, and Ben was grateful, at least for the moment.  Navigating the doctor’s natural tendency towards impatience, snark, and distrust of authority had been tricky.  Sisko didn’t blame him, but he’d seen enough to know that such reactions brought about much worse outcomes. 

Julian looked weary; sitting in the waiting area seemed to have defeated him.  It must have been brutal, watching so many people suffering without proper care, unable to help. Watching a man beaten bloody for his food card.   It had taken a lot of strength for Sisko to hold him back from intervening.   Julian took the hippocratic oath seriously. 

They wandered a bit looking for shelter, and finally settled between two buildings.   Both were exhausted and quiet, lost in their own thoughts.

In the distance, people yelled, fires burned, and the stress of maintaining protected spaces was clearly taking its toll on the strongest residents.  There were cries of pain from the sick, nonsensical rantings, and occasional evidence of the guards exercising their authority. 

Julian could barely think through the turmoil around him.    He closed his eyes, and it only took a minute to fall asleep.  _He was six years old, restrained on a table in the hospital, crying out from the pain of procedure after procedure.  He endured it, knowing if he anyone found out, he would be an outcast, his parents would go to jail, and he might even be sent to an institution like the other mutants.  Locked in a place like this one.  And now he was locked up, without any way to get home…_

He woke up with a start to Ben’s arms around him, rocking gently.   He was shaking as Ben leaned down and asked softly, “Bad dream? This place certainly breeds them.”

He felt an enormous pull to surrender to the safety of those arms.  To tell him everything, ask for care and comfort.  Common sense took hold, and he said, “It was nothing.”  But he didn’t pull back, and closed his eyes as Ben sat holding him.  That stayed like that for awhile.

Sisko stood up.

“Let me see if I can find us some breakfast.  It’ll take awhile.  Try to get some more sleep.”

Julian nodded, gratefully, and leaned back against the wall.

When he woke, Ben sat across from him with a plate of eggs.

“It isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing.  I’m sorry, but they were out of utensils.  And napkins.”

Julian smiled.

“Why am I not surprised?”

He ate, staring into the distance.

“What are you thinking?”

“Watching these people suffer, it’s awful.”

“But that’s not all, is it?”

Julian took a shaky breath and looked away. 

“It’s being locked up.  I can’t stand being trapped.   And helpless.  I had too much of that as a child.”

He was clearly struggling.   Ben waited.

“My parents, they never knew how much I suffered.   And they didn’t really care.  But I did.  I swore I would never let anyone suffer that way if I had the power to intervene.  And here I am, standing by while people are hurt.  Are in pain.  And I’m helpless all over again.”

Ben put his hand over Julian’s, and the simple touch sent him reeling.  It was the closest he’d come to telling anyone the truth.  He closed his eyes and felt Ben come up behind him to stroke his arms gently, his breath tickling the back of his neck.   Julian leaned into him, pain coursing through his body, and Ben just held him, waited, listened.

“It’s the children.  Hearing their cries, watching the parents work so hard to keep them fed, warm, safe.  It hurts.”

And that was the simple truth.  It hurt.

He looked down, unable to meet Sisko’s gaze.  Ben gently tilted his head up, cupped his face, and kissed him very softly.  Julian arched into the touch; he needed it so badly.  Ben stroked his hair and Julian buried his face in his chest, drained.

After a few minutes, Julian pulled himself to his feet.

“All right, enough self-indugence.  We need to find a way out of here.”

“Said the joker to the thief,” Sisko sang, and for the first time since they’d arrived, Julian laughed.

Despite their best efforts, exploring the district didn’t yield much in the way of results.  Once they’d finally gotten into a building, there was a man brandishing a knife, and they held their arms up, trying to reassure him they were safe. 

By his side was a child in pain.  He’d been attacked by a ghost.

Julian stepped forward and offered to help.

“Julian,” Ben started, and then saw his face.   He needed this.  Ben nodded.

Julian did a quick exam, cleaned the wounds, and finished, and color returned to both their faces.  Ben was glad to see some of the pain in Julian’s eyes recede.

Webb followed them out, “You know, the district could use another doctor.”

“I don’t really practice anymore.”

“But there are people who need you.”

“Well, they’ll have to get along without me.”

The strain on his face was obvious, and Julian strode forward to the food line, oblivious to his surroundings, pain once again etched on his face. 

Julian struggled to pull himself together, speaking casually.

“And I thought the lines at the replimat were bad.  By the time we get dinner, it’ll be time for breakfast.”

Ben tried to warn him, but Julian was still thinking about Webb.  They did need a doctor.  And when he was ambushed for his food card, it came as a total surprise.   They tried to fight off the attack, and a stranger stepped forward to save their lives.  As they turned to thank him, Julian saw a knife in his chest.  

“Help him, he never would’ve gotten hurt if it wasn’t for us.”

But there was nothing to be done.   District security was on the way, and they ran back to their shelter, covering themselves with a blanket. 

Under the blanket, Sisko looked at the man’s ID card.   It was Gabriel Bell.

“What the hell are we going to do?”

There was no answer.  He lifted the blanket, and saw Julian, sobbing quietly, his hand covering his face.

Ben leaned in to brush it away and stroked his cheek.

“We’ll find a way out of this.”

“How?   A good man died because of us, and now hundreds more will, and for nothing.  Without Bell, the riots will just be a massacre.”

Ben moved forward to put an arm around him and stroked his back, his other hand tracing circles on the back of Julian’s hand.  The sobs quieted, but Ben could feel the pain radiating from him. 

Ben ran a hand over Julian’s leg, and he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.  He learned in for another kiss, and this one was longer and sweeter than the other.  Ben guided Julian’s head to his lap, and stroked his face as he fell asleep, exhausted.

And though Julian couldn’t hear, Ben spoke in determined tones.

“We’ll find a way.  Whatever it takes, we’ll keep those hostages alive.”

Captain’s personal log, Stardate **_51721.3_**

_“At oh eight hundred hours, station time, the Romulan Empire formally declared war against the Dominion. They have already struck fifteen bases along the Cardassian border. So, this is a huge victory for the good guys. This may even be the turning point of the entire war. There's even a 'Welcome to the Fight' party tonight in the wardroom.  Garak was right about one thing. A guilty conscience is a small price to pay for the safety of the Alpha Quadrant.”_

Alone in his office, Sisko leafed through the history book, found the picture of Gabriel Bell, and smiled as he saw his own face.  They had done good work that day.   He wished he could feel as good about this one.

_“Computer, erase that entire personal log.”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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